The Tyranny of Comparison — Why you won’t ever be enough.

Comparison is a well-established part of human evolution. While some comparisons can be healthy for our journey towards more wealth, health or a better understanding of self, it is important to understand that the picture we have of each other today is often just a facade.

I have come to notice that I compare myself to others, more than I thought I did. I catch myself feeling envious of those who have more money than me, more family and stability, more fame and freedoms, more friends, and even those who are younger than me. It is a strange but justifying sensation that at times can go so far, that I feel like the only person on the planet who is falling behind.

Obviously, I understand it is wrong to compare to such extremes. As a monk my teacher told me there are no grounds for comparison, it is often simply the past or the future trying to steal our precious presence. Also, my mentor tells me that the best way to have a miserable life is to compare and be envious of others.

It is obvious it is the wrong thing to engage in, so why is it I keep being part of the Tyranny of Comparison?

In my efforts to answer this question I came to understand the irony that comparison is wonderfully relatable. Whether you are an entrepreneur or top executive, a sibling or a spouse, a politician, or just anyone with a social media account, you are constantly exposed to elements that ask of you to compare yourself.

Social comparison is not just what you have and what others got, but more so who you are, and what you could become. I found that the answer to why we compare ourselves, has two sub-questions to it:

1. Why is the current self so inferior to our “best self”?
2. Why is it that I want what my neighbor has when I already have what should be considered plentiful?

Why is the current self so inferior to our “best self”?

I always make my home look spotless when I have guests over, even when my messy self is a big part of my personality. I always try to show my best side when meeting a client or meeting people for the first time. Am I not being authentic? Am I trying to show something that I am not?

Here spring the roots of Leon Festinger's social comparison theory. The idea is that there is a drive within us all to gain accurate self-evaluations. This happens as we evaluate our own opinions and abilities by comparing ourselves to others in order to reduce uncertainty in these domains and learn how to define the self.

In other words, we often act in ways that a polished due to us being aware of our shortcomings. We want to be accepted and confirmed that how we see ourselves as our-best-selves, is also the way other people see us as our best selves.

The dilemma is that we compare ourselves (the messy one) to our best selves (the tidy one) when in reality there is no difference between the two — you are still the same person. The only change is that we are being put in the context of being watched and accepted by others, which leads us to the second question.

Why is it that I want what my neighbor has when I already have what should be considered plentiful?

Imagine your salary was 80,000 USD in your current position, and you found out that you were the lowest-paid employee in the company. Now imagine you were paid 70,000 USD, but you were the highest-paid employee in the company. Where do you think you would be most satisfied?

Putting 80,000 USD and 70,000 USD up next to each other and asking which one you would rather have seems to be an easy choice. However, we would likely be more satisfied when paid 70,000 USD and being the highest-paid person in the company. This is because we would have more wealth relative to everyone else in the same context.

This example might just as well be the area we live in. We would look to our neighbor and see that his house was bigger than ours. We would work hard and eventually get the biggest house on the block. At one point we would move to a nicer area because we can afford it, however, suddenly we would have the smallest house, and the story goes on. It is human irrationality and adaptation at its best. We keep wanting more than we have and once we get it we adapt so that it provides little more value than we had before. Even if the choice is irrational, the examples above present a comparison in a context we can understand. I understand that once I am paid the highest in the company I work in, I must be seen as the most important. I understand that once I have the biggest house on the block, I must be seen as the wealthiest.

I first heard of irrational comparison in Dan Ariely’s book Predictable Irrational that came out in 2008. It was a fitting publishing year, as it was the same year that the smartphone started its rise which made social comparison digital and exponential in nature.

Today, we can compare ourselves to the lives of others on LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, etc. What is so different about this is that the context of our comparison is often disregarded. We are only exposed to ideas and have no context to the actual reality of things. We are confronted with a constant sense of lack whether this is wealth, freedom, or happiness.

The murder case of Gabby Petito is an example of how much context is lacking when we look at social media. Her social media illustrate what many would consider a happy adventurous life and relationship, but with little insight into the actual reality that took place off-screen.*

Just like we present our best selves when in the physical presence of others, the social media feed favors only the most polished versions of ourselves. As much as we would like to blame the algorithms, we are the ones who keep scrolling for more. While it is difficult to find evidence-based causal relations to social media activity and mental health decline, evidence points towards growing issues, particularly in adolescent mental health, of an association between greater social media use and higher depressive and anxiety scores, low self-esteem, and body image concerns.

Liberty of Comparison: Seeing things in their context.

Most things in life are best served in moderation, the same goes for comparing ourselves. And while we can fall as victims to the Tyranny of Comparison, never feeling we are our truest selves, and always feeling others have more. There is as much good to how comparison can help us grow in the direction we feel most fulfilled.

Another important viewpoint to consider is the person we compare ourselves to and their psychological burden. Have you ever felt like you know 20 people, but never really feel understood yourself? When we admire someone, that person is at risk of being seen for something that is just a facade and not the whole person. Imagine being loved and accepted for something that you are not, would you feel like an imposter? This can be a vicious circle as people can end up being admired but at a cost of their own self-belief.

In general idea of Liberty of Comparison is a path of self-honesty. Without going too far into what honesty is I appreciate the poet David Whyte's expression of it: “… Honesty is grounded in humility and indeed in humiliation, and in admitting exactly where we are powerless. Honesty is not found in revealing the truth, but in understanding how deeply afraid of it we are. To become honest is in effect to become fully and robustly incarnated into powerlessness. Honesty allows us to live with not knowing.” (Honesty — from “Consolations” by David Whyte).

I love this way of seeing our honest selves. The idea is that honesty is the pursuit of self, but with the acceptance that we might never find out what that is, yet still be at peace with it.

I do not know if I will ever be free from comparison, so I am determined to build a productive relationship with it. My own practice is to keep three things in mind:

1. Be curious about your reasons to compare. We have established that we compare when we believe we can become more. Reflect on the last time you were successful in stepping into a sensation of becoming more. Was this a sensation that was fleeing once achieved, or have you been successful in becoming someone that makes you feel fulfilled? If you cannot recall the last time you became something more, your expectations are set too high. Ask when will I become enough?

2. Choose to step through the facade of comparison. You are a person someone compares themselves to and you are comparing yourself to someone else. In either case, be mindful of whether you present a facade and what you compare to is a facade. Ask yourself, what does it take for someone to understand me? Is what others see, the real me, or what I hope to become?

3. Be critical and courageous about honesty — compare yourself to those who you believe are honest. In the end, an honest relationship with ourselves is the highest achievement. Recall the number one regret of the dying is: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

This is article is the product of an inspiring conversation with my friend Mark Houghton, Ph.D. in Embodied cognitive structures of heuristics and biases.

*The case is still ongoing and while her fiancé is a person of interest, there is still no factual evidence nor confession that he is the murder. Additionally, the case is an example of how misrepresented and biased our world is online. While I agree the case is truly tragic, femicide is a global crisis that deserves equal addressing as the specific case in focus.